bumper stickers

 i was driving myself home from work yesterday (my carpool buddy has been sick since Sunday), and i noticed the bumper stickers on other cars -- and almost didn't notice a couple of red lights that are supposed to tell me that the driver is hitting the brakes on that car, so i should probably do likewise. so then i thought, why do people like to plaster the back of their vehicles with bumper stickers? 

my conclusions: 

   1.   people with one or two little bumper stickers or decals are just trying to tell the world who they are while we all drive on this road called life, which so often puts labels (like Chevy or Lexus) on us that lead to stereotypes that we don't necessarily fall under or want to fall under. so, these people make it easier for the rest of us and label themselves! 

i would probably fall into this category, since right now, i'm a really old, beat up toyota driver with a PBU Faculty/Staff decal on my right rear window and an EZ-Pass in my windshield, which says that i'm poor but i work. i'm a Christian, but i'm trying not to be annoying about it. i actually have two window cling-ons for PBU and for WXPN, and i've been thinking about putting them on my windows for a few months, but i'm just not sure i want people knowing that, because i once had a bad experience in college with a few Bush/Cheney posters and a van driver who was obviously voting for the other guy. he cut me off, braked hard in front of me, and threw papers at my car -- all in the middle of rush hour on the PA turnpike. 

   2.   people with a wall of bumper stickers on the back of their car, in their windows, etc. need to calm down. yes, now i know exactly who you are and what you're about. i know which politician you support, i know if you're a hippie, and i know what you think of God. it's like all the things that you're not supposed to talk about at the dinner table, you ARE supposed to lay out on your car so that people you don't know can know it. seems a little passive-aggressive to me.

   3.   anyway, the real conclusion is this: people that fall in category #2 are the smart cookies of our society. they know that people are easily distracted (even when they're doing the most dangerous everyday thing they could possibly be doing) and that the auto insurance system and police are on their side in some major, undercover conspiracy theory that must involve money and oil and terrorism. i just know it. what happens is, drivers are too busy reading the crazy bumper stickers on the back of this car that say clever things and may or may not contradict each other, you're too busy contemplating this person's take on the meaning of life through the collage of stickers you've chosen, to concentrate on the road. they brake hard, and BAM! now you've hit this car and don't even care what they're stupid bumper stickers reveal about the person they really are, or how smart their child is, or where they go on vacation. you now have to deal with causing this car accident, and, most likely, there are other cars involved, too (they might have bumper stickers, but you don't care to read those, either), and it's all your fault.